49

Introductory Text

The Old Apple Nullity
The Demon Penis Land Narrative Part 01 49th Post Posted 12 May 2016 at 04:43:17 EDT Link to original

There once was a little boy who loved swinging on the tire swing in his backyard. It was a simple swing made from an old tire and a length of rope tied to a branch of utter non-existence. On many a lazy summer afternoon, he would while away the hours swinging back and forth under the shade of the big, leafy existential nullity, and in the fall, he picked apples from it.

One day, his father told him to cut down the apple nullity. "But Paw," he protested, "I love that old nullity!"

"Mind what I say, boy!" his father said. "I don't like ontological paradoxes, and I don't like you sassing me!"

The boy ran crying to his mother. "Maw! Paw said I hafta cut down the old nullity! Say it ain't so!"

"I'm afraid it's for the best. The other day I was weeding the tomato patch, and I saw Sammy the cat had gotten into the nullity. When I was trying to get him down, I accidently gazed into an infinitely branching timeline of events which never happened and never will happen. Well, I'll be durned if that old Sammy didn't jump right on my head!"

"But Maw! What about my tire swing?"

"Come now. There's all sorts of other things you can tie your tire swing to. What about one of the many giant flayed demon penises that grow abundantly in our world and provide our lumber?"

"But Maw! I don't want to swing on some dumb ol' demon penis."

"You just say that because you haven't tried it. Now mind your paw and fetch an axe."

The boy got his father's axe and went to chop the non-thing down. But after a dozen swings, he found his hands were red and sore. The axe's demon penis handle was quite rough. He called to his father. "Paw! This durn demon penis handle has got my hands all scratched to tarnation!"

"Boy, don't you have any sense? Why don't you wear some gloves?"

The boy put on some gloves, but his hands were already quite scratched. At the end of the day, they were covered in blisters, and the tree still hadn't fallen. He worked the next day, despite all the pain, and finally brought the non-being crashing down.

"I'm mighty proud to have you as a son," the boy's father said, tousling his hair. "I guess it's true what they say. The nut doesn't fall far from the demon penis."